Guilty Conscience in an International Relationship


Recently, I was watching a documentary about Confucianism. I always heard that if you want to understand China, you have to understand Confucius. It is basically the moral, ethics and behavioral code of Chinese people since thousands of years. So I started reading more about it. The bottom line of Confucianism is the community. In western societies individualism is the quintessence. Who am I? What do I want to do? But in Chinese society it is important to blend in, to be a part of a functioning nation or group of people. Living well with other people, respecting your parents and ancestors and therefore becoming a good person, are the most important aspects about Confucianism.


Did you ever wonder why Chinese people usually travel in huge groups and everywhere you go, you never see one Chinese person but a group? Confucianism is the answer. They enjoy being in a group. They don’t mind being with a lot of people were we rather travel individually with maximum our family or couple of friends as companions.

I don’t want to go too much in detail about Confucianism at this point. I still have to learn more about it and want to write a separate article about it.

There is something I haven’t shared with you in my Reality of an International / Binational Relationship article.

The more I learn about Confucianism, the guiltier I feel. Guilty of keeping him away from his family, friends and loved ones. I took his group away. It’s the quintessence of his culture and I took it away. Is that selfish of me?

We talked about this hundreds of times. I ask him: “Don’t you miss your family? Wouldn’t you be happier in China?” He says: “I want to be where you are and that is in Germany. I am happy when I’m with you.”

I think every international couple had this conversation at least once. And I think this is one of the most important reasons why international couples break up. One party always has to give in and sacrifice his home (auf Deutsch meine ich Heimat). In the beginning it might work out but what if his homesickness becomes too strong in a couple of years? Do I have to give in then and move to China?

It doesn’t make sense to worry about it now. We don’t know what the future holds for us.

But I still don’t get over the guilty feeling.

I know that some of my readers are in an international relationship themselves. Do you have any tips? Do you also feel guilty or are you the one giving in and live in the country of your partner?

pictures by


5 thoughts on “Guilty Conscience in an International Relationship

  1. Guess my father is quite happy that he got away from the Chinese. He grew up in Shanghai. He doesn’t seem to miss the xity much. But the very few moments I heard him speak Shanghainese he sounds very lively and cheerful, a different person I never knew. He’s not completely native by himself. His mother was German. And his father used to be even more a stranger in Shanghai since he was from the very north of China, where they told him not to trust southern Chinese…

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  2. Pingback: Reality of an International / Binational Relationship | life as julia

  3. Pingback: Liebster-Award No.3 & 4! | life as julia

  4. Pingback: 5 Cultural Differences between China and Germany | life as julia

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